Say It Out ... Or ... Not Saying Anything?

 

I remember a time in 2023, most likely in September or October, when I had the strange feeling that my life is over. No morbid thoughts though, but just the feeling everything important already had happened and there is nothing more to come yet.

Today my thoughts about that would be: "Boy, was I wrong!"

I guess what I really felt back then was the healing process coming to an end. So yes, the feeling actually was right: everything important already had happened. The most important lessons were learned, my big traumas were worked on, the pain was relieved. 

That inevitable shift into a more relaxed and definitely more free life felt like ... there is nothing left to do.

Also this feeling was right. There is nothing left to do! Yes, correct. Means: what is coming now is coming best by letting it come, letting it happen, without actively working on it. 

And please don´t get me wrong. The lessons are not done yet, they keep coming. There is still so much to learn! The healing process is still in motion. Also my traumas are popping up from time to time. But without the big eruption of emotions. They come back more gently - to tell me some last lessons or to show me parts of the situation which I haven´t noticed yet. 

And that is how it works. Everything comes at the perfect right time. I´ve been re-living and re-feeling situations all over again and again. I thought I haven´t let anything out ... and yet they keep coming back with new information, with facts I haven´t thought of yet.

That´s part of the healing process.

At one point you figure out that this situation doesn´t have any power over you anymore. Then the healing process speeds up and all of a sudden the thoughts about your past are much more easier to endure. And one day the situation will shrink together to another landmark on your map of life.

******

Amazing thoughts, but those were not the thoughts I wanted to write down today. But this beginning of a blog sat there as a draft and I didn´t want to delete it. So I decided to keep is as a starter.

Today I stepped out of the house and the first thing I saw was a beautiful butterfly fluttering over the roses in my neighbour´s garden. 

A reminder for where I am right now: in my butterfly-phase of life

When I received three stones from a Shaman years ago I was sure the order of those stones where:

Fox - Butterfly - Swan

The first stone stands for the characteristics you bring into life.

The second and the third stone stand for your journey in life.

For years I kept the stones in that order: Fox - Butterfly - Swan 

For me that was just logical: first you transform like a butterfly and then you become a beautiful swan. 

But - also a couple of months ago - I found the notes I took right after the meeting with the Shaman. And back then I had written down the order as:

Fox - Swan - Butterfly

That was a big surprise. How does that development even make sense?

First a swan and then a butterfly?

Today I know that the phase of the butterfly ... IS ... the highlight of my journey!

A beautiful yet very fragile creature, fluttering over flower meadows, fluttering free and independent, apparently just for the fun of enjoying the beauty of nature. 

And you know what?

I precisely know the day when I shifted into my butterfly-phase. It happened in full consciousness and while I was writing diary. But that story has to be told another day.

The butterfly, which fluttered over the roses in my neighbour´s garden today, let me know it will be a beautiful butterfly-day. Thank you, little creature. I appreciate your existence so so much! 

It made me smile and it made me look into the eyes of people who approached me on my way. Guys, I feel connected with you and with the world. And that feels so great!

I kept "fluttering" into my day off, into a day without any plans - my favourite days. 

Whenever I am walking and I have some space left, I drift into my daydreams. My own private movie in my head-theatre, which I can create and watch whenever I have space left for it. 

Not that fluttering into my day off without having any tasks to do would not be enough. But living in my daydreams gives me an extra portion of joy and happiness. 

Today I "overheard" a conversation in my movie that provided me with some real wisdom for life!

(Yes, that´s what daydreaming and stepping into fantasy world sometimes is about to do for you.)

And these are the thoughts I actually wanted to share with you:

I don´t want to be afraid of saying what I think anymore. I want to feel free to say what is on my mind out loud and totally honest. Without the fear of saying something stupid. Without the fear the other person might think I am stupid, crazy or out of my mind.

There are things I need to say out loud. 

There are thoughts I need the other person to know. Because I need the other person to know who I am. 

A full open conversation and a total honest conversation - for me - is the easiest, most direct and most effective method to connect with each other on a very deep soul level. 

More and more I am loosing the fear of me embarrassing myself because of my honest expressions. Or in other words: 

I am not afraid to embarrass myself anymore. Let it happen. There will be more stupid, crazy or out of my mind thoughts which I will say out loud in the future. Many, many more. So what? Let it be. I am fine with them. There is nothing wrong with being stupid, crazy or out of my mind sometimes. That´s life. That´s me. Take it or leave it!

And please always feel free to tell me when I am acting stupid, crazy or out of my mind! Let me know. I would love to hear your opinion about it. Let me know when I am acting like a fool. My intention is NOT to act like a fool. It just happens. I am willing to learn.  

Just be aware that I will express my inner world more and more from now on.

Because ... what I am really afraid of today is ... that in a very important conversation I would keep back what I think or feel, because I think it could be received as stupid, crazy or out of my mind. When maybe it would be the most important thing to say, probably for the other person to sense my insecurity and therefore also feel free to speak out his honest thoughts more open instead. 

Or in other words:
What I am really afraid of is, that I could loose an important opportunity to tell the other person what is really happening inside of me. Just because of the fear to say what is really happening inside of me.

While fluttering with this heart-warming thought another thought appeared: 

I do not regret any encounter which might have turned out a bit embarrassing because I said too much or to intense things. Yeah, I felt embarrassed and sometimes even ashamed afterward. But fact is also that the responses of others tell a lot about our relationship toward each other. And when I´ve got the chance to talk about the incidences afterward, most of the time people keep telling me they didn´t feel that way and they didn´t receive my words as too much or too intense. 

Me being so critical with myself!

Another lesson I am allowed to learn from ...

What I really regret, really, really regret, are those moments when I was holding back and afterward I just knew I´ve lost a very important opportunity to express myself. 

There is one recent encounter which immediately pops up in my memories:

I was walking up the street and had to pass the outdoor area of a café. From the distance I saw sitting at the last table a .. how would I describe him best? ... an extreme interesting man. Long dark hair, a long dark beard, with an aura of Holiness around himself. Kind of an Indian Guru, looking a bit like Jesus. I couldn´t take my eyes from him. And I am afraid even my mouth was open in a silent "Wow" while I came nearer and nearer. Fortunately he was looking down onto - I don´t even know if it was a book or his mobile -, so he wouldn´t see me staring at him in total awe. 

I felt his beautiful aura, I felt him being total centred and I somehow felt deeply connected with him.

When I reached the hight of his table, he all of a sudden but very natural raised his head, looked me directly into my eyes and just said: "Hello."

I was shocked. He completely took me by surprise. I couldn´t respond. I didn´t even smile at him. I just kept on walking like in trance. 

From a couple of metres away till today I so regret my not being able to react on that "Hello". I still want to kick my ass for not even smiling at him. 

He felt me! He felt me feeling connected with him!

And I couldn´t react on his reaction ...

Those are the regrets in my life. 

Not the failures - but the lost chances!

Is it not great what comes out of daydreams when I feel free in my mind like a butterfly? 

I thought it would be nice sharing that with you.

Have yourself a butterfly-day!