It´s been a while ... and today is the perfect day to reactivate this blog again.
Not because it is Austrian´s National Day today. That indeed is a coincidence. Or maybe not. I don´t believe in coincidences at all. Though this fact has nothing to do with me jumping out of bed with the urgent feeling I want to write a blog again.
What did make me jump out of bed today was that sweet memory of yesterday´s conversation with an amazing stranger and beautiful soul, who after about an hour chatting was no stranger anymore:
"Are you a writer?"
My answer yesterday was: "I wish!"
My answer today would be: "Yes, I am."
I am a writer.
Not as professional as I wish to be ... yet. But yes, I am a writer.
That´s my passion. That´s the best way for me to reflect and to express myself. That is who I am.
I call myself a writer because this is what I am doing almost every day. What I really love to do nowadays is shown in the picture above. My "coffee-writing-sessions", as I call them, became dear and precious to me. Those are the most peaceful moments of the day, when I become who I was meant to be in the first place.
The year 2023 turned out as one of the most important years of my life. As so often before, my personal journey completely aligns with the Universal plan. And that for sure is no coincidence. In fact I don´t even know why this still surprises me as much as it does.
Of course it aligns to the Universal plan! My personal journey is part of the Universal plan.
I am, as everyone and everything else is, part of the Universal plan.
Since a couple of months I´ve been on a rollercoaster once again. From the highest hights to the lowest lows and back again. Something that scared me before but does not anymore. Rollercoasters are energy and movements. Rollercoasters mean that my life is in motion and that´s a good thing. There is nothing as fatal as no movements at all.
What really pulled the rug out from under me was when I found out how much I am still acting out of dealing with unsolved traumas instead of being someone who has figured life out for herself and already is on the best path of becoming enlightened.
That was a wakeup call at its best!
Afterward I considered myself once more a failure and now also a liar. I considered my whole life a lie.
How arrogant was I to believe I am someone who can give advices to others? How did I even dare to believe I´ve already found the key for a happy life when in reality I still was broken and was living a life of lies?
In reality I am still that traumatized little girl, that´s what I am!
After this realisation I was in shock for a few days. But then the dust settled and I became calm again. In fact I felt really good with this new found truth of still being that traumatized little girl. It took some of the pressure from my shoulders which I put there myself by believing I am such a wise person. All of a sudden it simply was okay to be someone who is acting out of dealing with her traumas. At least I was dealing with them, wasn´t I?
And I did more than that. I was protecting this little traumatized girl all of my life. I fought for her and I stood up for her.
But now she wants to stand on her own feet and she wants to become who she is meant to be. She wants to take over because she feels stronger than before. She finally is ready to take life in her own hands and to blossom without being scared anymore.
With this realisation something magical happened.
The most magical part of it was that it happened so naturally, so quietly and so peacefully. I just had opened another hidden box in my basement and another trauma was released. Everything else was happening on it´s own. This time I did not try to actively deal with it. I simply observed and took actions step by step as they appeared. And I did that with that new peaceful feeling. It was okay to be broken. In fact it even was a huge relief to unmask the liar I was.
I am definitely not that wise and strong person who´s mission is to safe the world and support those who hadn´t figure life out on their own.
I am that broken little girl who set out to find herself. I am this little brave girl who didn´t give up because she was so curious of life. She always was sure that there is something more beautiful waiting for her. There always was this spark of love and hope driving her ...
A spark I´ve followed all of my life because I could not NOT follow it. No matter how dark the times were. This spark had always been there, it had pulled me out of misery and guided me through the dark.
And when there were times where I hardly couldn´t see that spark, there were these guardians, those beautiful souls showing up to hold my hand and make me find my spark again.
That´s how I became the person I am today.
I am not a failure and I am not a liar. My life is not a lie and not everything I did was a mistake. In fact nothing I did was a mistake. I just got lost a bit by trying to find my way. Those alleged mistakes were opportunities for me to figure out the truth. Without knowing what doesn´t work I would not have found out what actually works for me.
And now that little brave girl wants to become who she really is!
She wants to be a brave woman who is allowed to always remain being that little girl driven by a spark of love and hope.
She wants to be strong and free and independent and curious.
She wants to smile and laugh and dance and sing and whirl around.
She wants to love. Not only with her whole heart but with every fibre of her being.
She wants to share her spark with those who needs it.
She wants to become one of those guardians who offer their hand for someone who is a bit lost and can´t see his own spark.
She wants to hug people!
And she wants to be a writer!
She wants to be a writer, because she is a writer. And she was inspired by writers herself many, many times before.
Here is an example I want to share with you at the end of this blog. It is something I´ve heard recently from one of the writers who inspires me most at the moment:
"You can´t push darkness out, you only can grow light."
--- Elizabeth Gilbert ---
❤️
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