AN HONEST LIFE

 

How could you start to write about an honest life when you are feeling blue?

This question I asked myself today, while hoping to get inspired to finally write again. The honest answer to that question was another question: Doesn´t admitting to feel blue also belong to an honest life?

And I definitely was writing today!

I filled page after page in my diary about how I am feeling and how I so urgently want to change the way I am feeling ...

Feeling blue is a result of everything´s going on lately. I guess what really broke me was the realization of not fitting into this world right now. I am even more sensitive than ever before. I am struggling with people being too loud, people being too selfish and the most I am struggling because I still want to connect with people and I want to fit into this world! Because I am part of this world, am I not?

Whenever I am feeling blue or there is this emptiness inside of me I am urging for a New Beginning. Thinking of a new project for the New Year, that´s what happened a couple of days ago. Only, when being really honest with myself, I of course know how those projects would work out: putting all my energy in planning the project, wanting to start right away only it should happen on a perfect date like January 1st, starting very enthusiastically ... only to realize that I planned the project too strict to keep it up for more than a couple of days.

Have done that thousand of times, been there before!

So this time I convinced myself to not even start planning a new project for 2023.

Though asking myself "How do I want my life to be?" is never a mistake. 

And this is what I did instead. 

The head line was: I want to live an honest life!

Now, I already am a very honest person. Long time ago I found out that being straight forward is the only way for me to make myself understood the best. Me being that complex and me being that sensitive I need people to understand me as best as possible. So being honest was necessary. Trying to explain why I am acting, feeling or thinking in a peculiar way does not only help me interacting with others, it also helps me to find out what is going on.

And I definitely can say that being honest always - without any exception - is the right decision. 

Then what does it mean when I say I want to live an honest life?

Well, being very, very ... very honest to myself I have to admit that in so many ways I am still not living an honest life. 

Deep inside I do know who I want to be.

Deep inside I do know how I want my life to be.

And yet ... so many times I end up in old habits and I am repeating my old patterns. 

It is totally okay to not be perfect - I am in the middle of learning and growing. 

But why do I even act contra productive sometimes? 

On one hand there is this theoretical knowledge of how I would be able to live a happy and fulfilled life. On the other hand I sabotage myself by doing exact the opposite. 

Why?

Living an honest life means to focus on my authentic me.

My advantage in this intense time is that I´ve dealt with myself since I was a young child. Not out of choice, but out of necessity. Asking who I am and what makes me happy was the essence of survival for me.

Yet, I still have to be even more honest with myself.

AN HONEST LIFE

Those are the three words I´m writing down everywhere right now.

Because I discovered how often I still live a lie. So it is time for me to figure out why I am still doing that and of course how to change that.

Feeling blue doesn´t bother me anymore. There are reasons why we feel blue and it certainly is a part of our life circle. Years ago when I felt blue I spiraled myself even deeper into those dark valleys where I wanted give up by making a big fuss about it. 

I don´t do that anymore.

When I have a look on what is happening and I am able to find the reason behind the blue feeling I try to break the circle. When I am not able to understand the reason I just acknowledge what is happening and don´t force anything into it.

Actually this time I just wanted to call it a year and let the last weeks pass as they are. Christmas season is starting soon anyway. The time of year which I hate the most.

Why?

Because, and this is the most honest answer I can give to that question, because I am all alone in this world. I don´t have loved once to celebrate Christmas with. That might sound pathetic but that´s a result of being that honest person I became over the decades.

Being honest is not a people pleaser - unfortunately. 

Now you might ask yourself: "Excuse me? And considering that statement you even want to become more honest? Are you insane?"

Fair enough.

Only, like I´ve mentioned before: I found out how often I am still living a lie.

Being completely honest also means to be authentic. 

And that´s the point.

I want and I need to be authentic.

Because being authentic and living an authentic life makes me happy, joyful and fulfilled! 

Being authentic and living an authentic life makes me real. And people need to see the real me! I myself need to sense the real me more often. Because this is when I feel best.

So my new project is none to plan for January 1st. 

My new project started already and will continue without a project plan.

AN HONEST LIFE.

Every day as honest as possible. Every day a bit more ...