Stormy Weather - versus - Clear Perspectives

(my writing session spot today) 

For the first time since living in Malta my company sent out an email asking us to stay at home and not going out at all. The reason was an orange weather warning from the government because of an approaching hurricane with approximately 120 km/h. 

And this is what I did yesterday.

I replaced my backyard plants to a storm safety place and closed every window. I worked from home, afterward I made myself a hot chocolate and tugged myself in on the couch reading all evening. Outside the wind was howling, it rained a lot, but I felt cozy and safe in my flat. It was tempting to go out for a walk by the sea and watch the waves and the power of weather. But I convinced myself to drop that idea. There must be a good reason why we´ve been asked to stay at home, right? That never happend before in those eight years of me living in Malta. 

Today I had to leave the flat because I completely ran out of water. But it was okay. It still rains a lot but the storm is not that strong anymore. I put on my rain jacket, took my umbrella (which I would hardly use because of it being useless in storms) and slipped into my flip flops. Yes, flip flops. There are only two options in heavy rain in Malta: flip flops or wellies. 
Fortunately it´s still warm enough for flip flops because I don´t have wellies ...

Crossing streets is an adventure in or after heavy rain. There are big puddles and in some places literally a wild river of dirty water is coming down the road. No chance to stay dry in any other shoes. So with my flip flops I was free to walk through every puddle - and that is what I did! Excited like a little child. Now and then I was loosing one of my flip flops, which made me giggle like a toddler.

Right now I am having lunch in a cozy place. I brought my laptop with me. I love the thought of not having any plans or places to be, only to fetch some water later. 

I love my life! I really do.

Am I scared of the hurricane?

No, I am not. 

First of all I am living in a safe place: my flat is "inland", not directly next to the sea, it is surrounded by higher buildings and I am living in the first floor, so I hardly don´t feel anything about the storm. 

Second, I am having a Native soul, remember? I believe we are part of Nature, not living and fighting with/against Nature. So all the "bad things" happening are not a punishment from Nature toward us. We are just been reminded of changing our behavior sooner rather than later if we don´t want to destroy ourselves. Yes, ourselves!

We do not destroy only Nature - we are part of that Nature. We shoot us in our own knee. 

It really is time to finally figure that out.

And third, more than anytime in my life before, I am aware of everything is happening for a higher good and for an important reason. That made me loose all of my fears. I am serious. What happens is supposed to happen. We do not have to understand it and we do not have to be able to see the outcome, but certainly it happens out of a reason. Nothing happens coincidentally. 

Of course there are still moments where frightening thoughts are coming up about the future. What will happen? Will I manage everything what´s in my cards? Would I suffer or struggle hard at some point in my life? Will there be any obstacles coming up too huge for me to handle them? 

Those moments are scary, I am not gonna lie. 
But soon after I feel this special connection with Universe again I refocus on my feelings rather than my thoughts. My thoughts are challenging, my feelings know the truth. 

Every person we meet, every action we take, every circumstance, every situation we are in - no matter how unpleasant or scary - everything is there to make us learn, grow and move forward. 

As a Highly Sensitive Person I am able to re-watch my whole life at every given moment. Regularly I am making something like an inventory. 

Where do I come from? What have I been through? What did I achieve? What was leading to what? How did I change in the last fifty years? What mistakes did I make? What would I do different from today´s point of view? Etc. etc. 

Most of the time I don´t do that inventory thinking on purpose. It happens when, for example, I am on a walk and there are no other pressing thoughts on my mind. 

And you know what?

More than ever I am totally content with that inventory thoughts. 

Oh, that reminds me, a couple of days ago I received an amazing message via a Facebook post:

This post became precious to me. 

How many times did I doubt myself? I hated it when I was too loud, too impulsive, simply too much! 

Yes, I did overreact a lot and often in my life. I still do that sometimes. But the more I became authentic the more I backed up my overreacting. When I freak out there is a reason to freak out about. Period. 

The reasons where there in the past as well. Don´t get me wrong. I am not freaking out over nothing. Only today the reasons are more ... "reasonable". 

What does that mean?

For a very, very long time in my life I was struggling with simply being me. I´ve always been different, I´ve always been misunderstood. It was a long and stony path to find out who I am and - after that - make myself clear to people around me. It was in that cloudy period before, when I still didn´t know why I am like I am, that I fought the hardest fights. I needed to make myself and my feelings understood but I couldn´t do it in a reasonable way, cause I didn´t know how. 

How are you to explain something you even don´t understand fully by yourself? 

Freaking out when the emotion bucket was jam-full was something that happend regularly. 

Today I am not afraid anymore to "make waves". 

And that´s what this post above reminded me of. Making waves means taking action on my own behalf, not being afraid anymore of maybe overreacting. I am backing myself up. I stand behind myself. 

And you know what?

The funny thing is that nowadays there are only few occasions where I have to freak out. A lot of issues are already been solved before it comes to the point of freaking out.

Which makes me really proud of myself and I am so grateful for that!

I really do recommend those inventory thoughts to everyone out there. 

Just take a moment and think back on your life journey so far. Usually, when we do that, all the big moments pop up first, usually the "negative" ones.
Go beyond that!

Allow yourself to also "see" the small good stuff in your life which brought you forward in any given way. Look upon your life like a proud parent would do it. Praise yourself for sticking to whatever you did to remain authentic and honest. 

No decision was wrong or wasted!

We do learn most from our mistakes and failures. 

It´s really simple to scold ourselves for all that wasted time when we headed into the wrong direction. But do you ever look upon all the lessons you´ve learned exactly on that stretch of your path? 

Most likely it made us stronger. We´ve learned about our strength and we were able to prove ourselves. 

Be proud of what you went through! 

Be proud of what you achieved in your life!  

At a certain point of my inventory thoughts I always reach the view onto the most difficult period of my life. 

Without going into details ... I am talking about awful things which happend for about two to three years when I was a teenager. 

Fortunately there was this time in my life, probably when I was in my early thirties, when I unconsciously started to work through this trauma. It took a while. But today those awful things don´t have any power over me anymore! 

Part of this trauma was the fact that I had to go through this difficult time all by myself. No one to confide in, no one to help me, no one to rescue me ...

To be honest, that was the most saddest part of all. What has been done to me made me angry. But I felt so sorry for myself for not having anyone to ask for help. That´s not fair! 

No teenager should suffer in secret!

But ...

Today I am looking back and I am most proud about exactly that fact.

I did it all by myself!!

I survived, I made it through and I did it all by myself!

When this is not the best reason to be proud of myself then what is it?

And here is another amazing thought:
I made it through this shit. Yes, it left deep scars and it almost broke me. But I made it through this shit - when I was only a teenager.

So there is hardly anything I have to be afraid of today, right?

I will be able to deal with shit if I have to, don´t I?

Enjoy the pleasure of looking back onto everything you did good in your life! 

Be aware of being able to create a life for yourself ... even when we are not fully in control. 

Trust of everything is happening for a higher good and for your wellbeing. 

Allow yourself to dream more rather than to worry about things you can´t change anyway. 

Embrace what you´ve got!

Be thankful and grateful all the time!

Life is a blessing!

Now, those are my thoughts for today. 

It is really fun to sit down, fire up the laptop and type away.

 

I hope you enjoy reading my thoughts as much as I enjoyed writing them ...  

The 3 remaining Heart Wishes

Throughout my life I had several big and small Heart Wishes.

There was, for example, my dream to visit Petra in Jordan one day. 

Whenever I visited my brother, sooner or later, we would take out his huge photo book "100 Places to visit before you die" and we would skip through the pages ... till we reach the picture of the Treasure House built into the red stone of Jordan´s dessert. 
"One day", I always sighed deeply, "one day I will stand exactly there in front of this amazing building!"

Well, it happened on October 26th, 2006. And I sobbed like a child because I was so overwhelmed by the beauty of the place.

Another example for a smaller Heart Wish would be me wanting to go on a pedal boat. 

I call it smaller because that´s something not so hard to do, right?

There are several lakes in Austria where you can rent a pedal boat. Most people have done that when they were children.

Not me.

I just always talked about wanting to do it one day. 

So I also did when my colleagues and me spent a weekend at Neusiedler See in the very East of Austria. When one of my colleagues said: 

"If you want to rent a pedal boat today I would come with you."

And that was when this Heart Wish came true.
It was special to me cause though it really is a simple thing to do, I would never have done it alone. There is no fun to go on a pedal boat alone.
So this special colleague made my day by joining me and making my dream come true. 

One of my most favorite story of a Heart Wish coming true happend back when I was working in the baby and children´s department of a huge clothing brand.

There were several branches all over Austria. The two flag stores were in Linz, Upper Austria, and in Innsbruck, Tyrol. 

I knew the team leaders of the other stores just by writing faxes (it was before the time of mainstream internet) or making calls to them when I needed something from their store. 

And it was the team leader of the store in Innsbruck I "fell in love with". Since my early childhood I love Tyrol, it´s mountains and the dialect of that particular area of Austria. So I´ve always been very excited when I had to call them or when "Shop Innsbruck" showed up on the mobile when it rang.

Though I never ever saw a picture of this particular team leader I so liked his deep voice and his Tyrol dialect, which he already spoke although he was German. My colleagues, my boss and even my manager knew about me having "a crush" on the team leader in Tyrol. 

At one point I was to become a team leader myself and my manager supported me enormously on that path. It was a very important time in my life. The two shops in my area (I´ve worked in both) where closing down, we all were to loose our jobs. But I´ve been asked if I would be interested to join the company longer in a new, huge store in Graz, the capitol of Styria. I felt honored, I was excited and I loved the fact that my manager not only liked me but trusted me enough to become team leader of the baby and children´s department in the new store in Austria, which was to become the second biggest store in Austria.

The plan was for me to join the new crew for the setting up and the first weeks of the opening period in the brand new store. After that I was to receive a three months training in the flag store in Linz, which was specialized for all kind of trainings. 

But one day my manager took me aside with a huge grin on her face:

"What would you say if I´ll send you for your training to Innsbruck instead of Linz?"

What I would say?
I didn´t say anything ... but I was cheering and dancing around and jumping up and down ... and before I broke down in tears I gave her a huge hug.

I went to Innsbruck to complete my team leader training with my favorite team leader. He taught me a lot and I worked my ass off. I loved every minute!

And there is - of course - my biggest Heart Dream of all times which came true on November 25, 2013:

My emigration to Malta.

Since my first vacation by the sea in 1989 I dreamed of leaving Austria to live by the sea, in the South, in eternal summer.

This has been my deepest and urging longing for 24 years!

One or two times I came really close to take this step but it never happened. 

Until the time was right and everything happend that fast and smooth I didn´t even realize what was going on.

I do remember me sitting on that plane on November 25th, 2013 - and somewhere over Italy it finally hit me: 

This is your One-Way-Ticket Flight you were dreaming of all of your adult life!

Life taught me that everything is happening exactly at the right time ... and only if it is really supposed to happen.

Cause I also dreamed of visiting Taj Mahal and of skydiving for a while. 

Those "dreams" obviously where not really from the heart cause they never happened and they are not on my mind anymore.

On the other hand there are these three Heart Whishes which are always on my mind. Three long kept wishes, three very important wishes ... maybe the three most important wishes of my life.

Unfortunately I have a feeling of them not coming true in this my actual life.

I know, I know ... energetically this is the worst thing to say. Because one has to manifest her wishes for them to come true. But what can I do? I can´t lie to myself, can I?

So, please let me try to manifest them while writing them down and sending them out to you and to Universe:

The first Heart Wish I already mentioned in my last blog:

I wish to write a book one day.

I want to publish a book, find it on the shelf in the book shops and be able to travel and to read to people all over the world. 

The second Heart Wish is coming from the very dept of my soul:

I wish to travel to South Dakota one day and be with the Lakota.

Now maybe you would say: "This is an easy thing to do. Book a ticket, go to America."

Not that easy.

And I don´t mean the actual situation of Corona virus. 

Travel to South Dakota and be with the Lakota doesn´t mean to book a flight to Rapid City and a room in one of the vacation resorts on one of the reservations. I don´t wanna go there as a tourist and for sure not as a "Wannabe".

My biggest fear is that I would not be able to explain how deeply connected I felt with Native Americans since I was a toddler. 

And last but not least, my third Heart Wish, probably the most important one, as it is the goal of my life since I can think:

I want to find True Love.

The most important one is also the most utopian one. 

Though I already made some progress in the last decades of this actual life. I found out what I DON`T want. Which is very important. I´ve also learned there are different kinds of True Love. It is not only about meeting The One and this special, romantic love.

There is also:

self love

unconditional love

the pure love for Mother Earth, Nature, plants, animals and all living beings 

the "platonic" love for our soul people 

the "one sided" love, where you love someone with all your heart and it´s totally okay when this person does not return the same feelings 

See, those three Heart Wishes are still remaining.

And they will come true when they are supposed to come true. If not in this actual life, then for sure in one of the next lives. 

To end this blog I will tell you about another Heart Wish which came true. One that blew my mind, because I couldn´t imagine for it to come true at all!

I am in love with the movie "The Last of the Mohicans". The one from 1992, with Daniel Day-Lewis, Russel Means and Wes Studi. 

As child I´ve watched it with my dad several times. Later I bought the DVD, which is still with me. I´ve watched the movie over and over again. And there is one scene I love that much, I rewind it over and over when I watch the movie. It´s the saddest scene of the movie but it is Wes Studi who amaze me every time I watch it. 
Do you remember him in this movie?

This is exactly the scene I am talking of!

Without saying one word, only with his mimic and gesture, he showed he cared for the girl. He showed he is not bad through and through, but do have a good heart.

"He should get an Oscar for this scene and I wish I am able to tell him how much I love him in this movie!"

That´s what I always thought when I watched "The Last of the Mohicans" again. 

A couple of year ago Wes Studi posted a picture on Facebook of him running into the actor who played his enemy in that movie.  
My chance had come!
"Mr Studi, I so love you as Magua. Specially in this one scene at the cliff."

Something like this I posted beneath the picture. I was excited cause now I was able to tell him. No matter if he would read it or not.
I´ve got an comment to my post from a woman: "Yeah, he was so sexy!!"
I rolled my eyes and commented back:
"Well, it was not about him being sexy. It was about him making believe without one word that he has a good heart and is not bad through and through. Only with his mimic and gesture he was able to express he cared for the girl."

To this post I received a "Like it" from ... Wes Studi!!!!!

WOW!

I was so thrilled!! He read it! My message was delivered! My Heart Dream came true!

But that´s not all!
A while later Mr. Wes Studi received his Oscar, an Honorary Award!!

The second Heart Wish about Wes Studi also came true!
I was crying and I am crying again when I think of how much I wished that to happen!
I was so happy, I had to text him! 
 

Wes Studi

Künstler/in

05.06.19, 16:46

Du hast Folgendes gesendet:

Dear Mr Studi, Please let me tell you something about Heart Wishes! I LOVE you in The Last of the Mohicans. Specially for this one scene on the cliff when you wanted to convince the girl not to jump. All those expressions in your face! Without one word you said so much! I watched this scene over and over and over. I wanted to tell you so badly how you deserve an Oscar for that ... A couple of years ago I commented one of your posts here on Facebook and I cried out of joy when you liked my comment! My message was delivered! Now I sit here and again cry out of joy ... cause now you even got the Oscar!!! The real HEART WISHES always come true! Congratulations, you deserve it so much! Best regards Ursula

He received the Oscar.
I was able to tell him how much I wanted that to happen.

I was able to tell him how much I love his performance in that movie.

And ...

When´s the best day to start into ones New and Perfect Future?

Funny story:

Just had a week of vacation and, though I didn´t make any plans, I thought I will have the best time ever.

Wrong.

I didn´t do anything much. I slept a lot. I read a bit. I whiled away many, many hours by watching programs online - sometimes even till 3 or 4 o´clock in the morning ... 

And because I didn´t eat healthy I also didn´t feel very well. Of course.  

One of the few highlights was a day exploring with two of my friends. They took me for a nice swim to St. Peter´s Pool in the South of Malta - a place I´ve never been before. Not once in eight years! Another funny story. 

So, yesterday I went back to work (more precisely back to my kitchen table = home office). And here is the real funny part of that original funny story: since yesterday I feel like eating heathy again and do something nice after work!

My "clouded" thoughts brightened up and the desire to write came back - something I wanted to do constantly in my vacation last week ... grrrrrrrr!

In German language I would blame it to the "inneren Schweinehund". 

I was searching for an adequate translation but the only acceptable one Google provided me with was: "inner bastard".

The only good thing is I am not angry with me anymore. 

Jeez, how many vacation days and weeks did I waste away already with literally doing nothing? Somehow it seems to be like a vicious circle. In reality it is just how it works: focus too hard on something, make too many plans ... and for sure it will not turn out the way you thought it should. 

That´s an unwritten law! 

My "problem" is that I love New Beginnings and I love the thought about a specific day being the first day of my new and perfect future.

Cause I do know how my new and perfect future should be. Oh, I exactly know how it should look like!

What I like to forget is: Those perfect plans for my perfect future didn´t appear over night. Everything I know today is the result of everything I did in the past. Step by step I figured out how I want my life to be. Over the years I changed my habits, dismissed what I don´t like, adapted what feels right. It was a life long process ... so why do I always long for this special day, this New Beginning?

Not happening!

The messages I am receiving are telling me: everything is perfect exactly as it is at the moment. Everything is exactly how it is meant to be. 

Enjoy your journey! Enjoy growing, learning and evolving!

Everything is fine!

That´s why I am not mad at me anymore. 

One day, maybe with my next vacation already, I will learn how to REALLY enjoy my days off - without planning at all. Consciously and unconsciously.

So now, please allow me to write a bit about my desire to write.

Writing blogs turned out to be the best shape and form for me personally. Though I dreamed about writing a book since I started to write stories when I was fourteen, I definitely know this will not happen in a foreseen future. 
First of all I am not disciplined at all. Writing a book is hard work. Being creative is one thing but getting it into shape really is a difficult craft. 

There are so many different topics in my head. Each time when I sit down and start to write there are thousand thoughts which are worth to be mentioned as well. So many bits and facts which are needed to tell my stories well. At one point I distract myself so badly I completely loose the plot of the story. And that´s exactly the point where I loose the desire to write something "huge" again.

Another reason why I would not be able to write a book is the language I love to use. A couple of years ago I changed all my writings (diary, posts on Facebook, blogs) to English. Simply because I do have many international friends and because I´ve loved the English language since I left Austria for the first time in my life. Problem is: I am self taught in English, so far away from perfect and fluently. 

That´s why writing blogs work for me best as I am able to put actual thoughts in a compressed form. I can start and finish a blog in one session. Therefore I can do it whenever I am in the mood to write without giving much thoughts if I would still be in the same mood tomorrow or next week.

And, to be frankly honest with you, I hope writing blogs is the perfect training for me writing in English. So maybe one day I will find my steady flow to sit down and write that damn book I am so much dreaming of writing!

Not that I want to become rich. Maybe a bit famous. That will do. 

I dream about writing a book which inspires many wonderful people around the world and then - one day - I will be asked to travel the world to read to people all over the planet.

Seriously. This was the dream I always had:

Packing my suitcase every other week and travel to another city on one of the continents to read to people in book shops, theatres, libraries or what ever location my manager will pick for the audience who want to meet me in person. 

There is another funny story behind the title of this blog "The Flying Teabag". 

I promise to tell it soon. Only today is not enough time anymore.

Right now I am sitting in one of the coziest cafés in Valletta. Coffee is good, the sweat treats even better, the light is perfect, the soft music in the background not too loud and the few people still walking by outside are just enough distraction to look up from the laptop every now and then. 
But the café will close in about half an hour. So time for me to come to an end. 

I promise myself to bring my laptop more often and to simply start typing. Can´t hurt, right?

If nothing else, at least it will be some practice to toy around with the English language.

And that will be another step closer to my New and Perfect Future. A future where perhaps I will write as a real author. 

One of my three left over heart wishes ... but that´s also another story for another day!  

Beyond the Veil

My third day of vacation and I still did nothing much.

We had two days of rain and storm - so I´ve been out just to get some food and to watch the rough sea for a bit. 

Sleeping is what I did most. And I was online pretty often. 

I am watching the programs of a summit called "Beyond the Veil". Not every session is interesting for me. Though I´ve already heard some amazing things.

It´s kind of hard to explain what fascinates me most.

"Beyond the Veil" is a topic which apparently is important for my personal growth at the moment. Many things are not new to me, Many things make totally sense. And some things are a real "Aha moment". They mostly explain what I felt before or they are a missing puzzle piece to understand certain things better.

Even the sessions about near death experiences or anything about communicating with the people on the other side bare information wich is really interesting and important.

I guess the most fascinating thing is that what I learn in several different lessons about "Beyond the Veil" either fits into my own believing or explains what I believed or felt before.

For me this always is the best confirmation: What you believe or feel is definitely right!

Please don´t get me wrong.

I am not wiser than anyone else. I am even not more spiritual than others. We all have the wisdom within ourselves. We all are connected. No advantage or disadvantage for anyone!

I am just lucky to always be curious. As a Highly Sensitive Person I always asked questions, thousand of questions. I never took anything for granted. I needed to understand what was going on.

And hey, I am getting there!

This time of awakening is the best opportunity for searchers and seekers like me.

We are even seeing more clearer through and beyond the veil now. An important lesson I´ve learned recently is that everything is connected. Really everything.

That already starts with me personally. 

It is not that shy and naive girl from a village in Eastern Austria who started her journey into the world.
and ... 

It is not the Highly Sensitive Person who has to deal with every day life.

and ...

It is not the curious person who has thousand question marks in her mind all the time.

and ...

It is not the dreamer who does everything to be happy and content even if it is the more difficult way.

and ...

It is not the spiritual soul who wants to find it´s way home.

Those are not separated aspects that happen to be part of me. It´s a package. A package which is totally connected. Everything fits together. I am whole because of those different aspects. One makes the other. 

And it even doesn´t stop there!

My connection with the Native Americans is part of me being deeply connected with nature, with Mother Earth. I am almost sure I was a or with the Native Americans in one or more of my pervious lives. Being interested in spiritual topics helps me understand the deeper meaning of what is going on. Therefore all those amazing lessons and messages are coming in right now. 

A while ago a book was mentioned somewhere: "The Journey of Souls."

It stuck with me. Well, I did know why. Because my soul journey is an important part of my believing. I don´t only see myself in this present life. I know my soul is infinite and so my soul journey is infinite. 

When I finally ordered the book and read it I was surprised of how much I already "knew". First the information of the time between lives was not that thrilling. I am happy to know there is a place where we are heading to, a place where we meet loved ones again and where we prepare for our next life. But I didn´t need details about it.

But somehow "someone" wanted me to know those things ... now!

It´s another piece of the over all jig saw puzzle.

Not that I need to know about death and after death stuff. I already "know" that death in this present life is not the end. It´s a transition into the next one. Another school year is over ...

But what really makes sense is to know about how everything is connected to our day by day life. As everything here on Earth is connected and important, everything "out there" is important and has an impact on our present life. I guess that aspects where not clear enough for me before.

THANK YOU FOR INFORMING ME ABOUT THAT!

The messages I love most are:

Everything is perfectly fine. Everything is totally meant to be.

We are not meant to suffer or to struggle. This is something we´ve been told and lied to ... to be controlled more easily. 

We are meant to enjoy our journey, to be happy and joyful. 

There is absolute nobody or nothing that wants to punish us for anything we did or didn´t do. Everything we do or didn´t do is and was our choice. We chose to grow and we chose to learn our lessons. There is something called the "Free Will". We have the choice! We have a free will. We just have to deal with the consequences as well. 

Which makes totally sense to me.

There is a purpose in everything! Nothing happens without a reason. And everything is exactly right and how it is meant to be.

One of the most soothing things for me!

In this "Beyond the Veil" summit there is one pattern which also makes me very happy:

Those experts who work in those fields, who are a medium themselves, who are highly spiritual - all of them are extremely positive and happy. They are optimistic and so convinced that everything is totally fine. 
Some of them are even "childish excited". And I mean that in the best way ever!

Cause being childish happy and excited is the most precious feeling ever. It´s the purest form of being happy. 

It is soooo f***ing amazing to figure out that exactly THIS is how it is supposed to be! 

Everything you need is within your own heart space

My first day into a week of vacation and I am happy it was raining during the day.

Not that I needed an excuse for staying at home and doing nothing ... but with a bit of rain it was kind of justified. 

So, instead of getting up pretty early and get active, I slept long, made myself breakfast and put myself onto the couch, reading a chick flick - till it was time to take an afternoon nap.

Only in the evening I got a bit active and I even headed out to have dinner in one of my favorite restaurants.  

I do love days without any plans!

Do what ever I want or don´t do anything at all. Nothing to think about, nothing to be fitted into the day. Just space. Enough space for everything that would come up.

Some time ago I received a message which stuck with me:

"Everything you need is within your own heart space." 

Love that message!

And it also made me think of something that also stuck with me since a long time already. Maybe it´s time to spill it out and let it go. Would love if that could be happening.

When I started my spiritual awakening I met that amazing person who did answer so many of my life questions. She introduced me to Energetic. She brought meaning to what I felt and thought at that time. It was such a healing time when all of a sudden I found out that what I felt and believed was not only okay but even special.

My personal journey became so much easier once I knew about not being alone with what was going on inside me.

We became friends.

Now, the thing with me is, that in everything I learn and everything I receive I need to make sure it fits with my own personal needs. Energetic helped me a lot and I will always be grateful for their principles. They gave me a new view and a new insight in life. They gave me the opportunity to grow on a different level of understanding.

Though not everything my friend told me was right with or for me. 

That´s okay. We are individuals. We need to figure out our own path. Just get inspired by many things and filter what is right for yourself. 

Unfortunately we reached a point in our joined journey where it didn´t feel right anymore. 

I guess we grew apart.  

That´s okay. That´s life, right? Happened before, will happen in the future. Some people accompany us just for a short period in life.   

Only it was one sentence she said to me which stuck with me and which hurt me ever since:

"It´s so hard to deal with you because you so live inside yourself."

Well that´s true. I AM living inside myself. I need to live inside myself. For a Highly Sensitive Person it´s essential to deal with the inner world first to be able to deal with the outer world. 

That was not what hurt me. 

That was nothing new at all.

What hurt me was that she criticized me for something that is essential for me. 

So, this sentence stuck with me for years. It pops up from time to time and I mull it over for a bit. Sometimes it makes me sad. Sometimes I really get angry about it. Why, for heaven´s sake, was that a problem in our friendship? Is it not people who are into Energetic and Spirituality who should understand a person who need to deal with her own inner world?

Apparently not.

That sentence got less powerful the more I understood about me being highly sensitive. Because one lesson I´ve learned from a very young age: 
There is a huge complexity going on within me and it is not easy to make myself understand. 

Luckily I got better in making myself understand!

Most of all because I got more and more comfortable about who and how I am. Today I am proud of being a HSP. Today I am so grateful to be a HSP! For all the opportunities and chances I have. For my colorful life, for my deep thoughts. 

And I am so very thankful for being able to receive the right messages at the very right moment when I need them the most.

"Everything you need is within your own heart space."

That´s a soothing and relaxing thought, isn´t it?

And you know what? 

A damn right thought as well!

We all are connected to the "source". Call it God, call it Universe, call it what ever you want to call it. There is this universal energy which is our life cord and our connection to everything. No matter if we are aware of it or not, it is there.

For a long time I believed I belong to the lucky ones who are able to feel that connection. 

But that is not true.

Every personal journey is as awoke as it must be. 

Every one of us is here on her or his own personal journey - exactly where she or he must be. 

My journey is an intense one. That´s a fact.

Though I am not sure where I am on that journey. Am I at the beginning or am I already an advanced traveler? 

Not that it would be important to know. I am just curious. 

What really important is though:

To be aware of where we are is exactly the right place we are meant to be. 

There is no need to actively trying to improve our life. For sure not with force and control.

Everything that has to happen will happen. 

We just need to be open and aware of that.

And we need to leave enough space in our life to let everything happen that needs to happen.

Not planning ahead, not filling every day with a strict program, being flexible for what the day brings along and ...

Everything you need is within your own heart space. 

The Over All Jigsaw Puzzle

The most difficult thing is to explain what is going on right now.

I mean, I exactly know what IS going on. It´s just that it is so hard to put it into words – on the paper. The words are there. Believe me. Many and many words are there in my head. I just need to sort them out. But ... where to even start with?

Fact is everything that´s happening right now is happening at the right moment. Not too early, not too late. Just right on time.

Another fact is everything that´s happening right now always was meant to happen.

Fact is also everything that´s happening right now was announced by Universe. There was this feeling since the end of last year that something big is around the corner.

And – last but not least – there is definitely the fact that everything that is happening right now is the result of everything that was happening before – in this life but also in previous lives and between them.

As I always have been keeping an eye on my life, my wellbeing and my inner world, I exactly know what is going on. When I try to explain the whole thing to myself I always try to find examples to paint the picture as best as possible.

So here is the “over all” picture:

My life – as probably the life of most other people – is like a huge jigsaw puzzle ... without knowing what the final picture will look like.

In the beginning you only have a heap of pieces. A lot of different shaped pieces, one side coloured, the other side blank. 

So what you do first is to sort them out: turn them all over to the coloured side and separate the pieces for the edge from everything else.

That´s tiring and boring. It takes a lot of time and it is no fun at all. You rather would love to dig in and start building the puzzle. Only very soon you find out that this is absolute not making any sense. Where to even start with? First you have to sort the pieces out before you even can think of starting ... somewhere.

So in the beginning it´s hard work and it takes a while till you figure out where the journey is going to.

Then the moment comes when you are able to place the first pieces. You probably start to work on the edge first. There are the four corner pieces and you take it from there. Shape and colour helps you to find the right pieces. When the edge is done you get the first impression of how big the whole thing will become when it´s done.

Now you decide of how to take it from there.

Again shapes and colours are helping a lot. But in the beginning it will be like searching for the needle in the haystack. A lot of trying, a lot of searching for a specific piece with that right shade of colour and this funny looking shape which should be easy to find among the thousands of pieces. How often will you think you´ve found it but it would not fit?

Patience is important and you should never forget about the big picture, the outcome of your effort. 

This is what you are doing for a long time. Some days it goes really smoothly and you make some progress. Other days you don´t even find one fitting piece! 

But you never give up. Yes, you are frustrated and bored and angry sometimes, most of the time. But also somehow convinced that you are able to do it. Because there is this inner voice telling you: “Keep going. You can do that. Don´t give up!”

At one point, when you´ve put enough pieces in place, you would be able to make out some parts of the picture already. Ah, this is becoming a tree. And there are some faces and a beautiful house in the background. A red car in that corner. 

Now you are not only searching for colours and fitting shapes but also for branches and body parts and a roof, windows, doors. 

That´s the moment when working on the jigsaw puzzle becomes real fun. You are getting more exciting and you can´t wait to finish it. 

I guess the biggest break through is when you were able to put enough pieces in place to get a clear idea of what is shown in the Big Picture.

And there will be times when you watch what you already did and you will find single pieces in the already finished areas and you will think: “Ah, you little piece of shit. You gave me such a hard time and it took me weeks and months to find you in the heap. But look at you now. How perfectly you fit into the picture. Never would have guessed that.”

Every little segment is making sense at last! Not finished yet, still a long way to go, but you already get an idea about the beauty of the picture. 

There is no doubt anymore of how beautiful the Big Picture will be as soon as it will be finished. 

And then there is this overwhelming moment when you realize that it doesn´t really matter to finish the puzzle at all. Working on it, putting pieces in place and enjoy the journey IS the real goal about it!

And that is the moment where I am right now!

Does that make any sense to you?